Things you do on the golf course that piss other people off

fivefingers Professional Champion
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1. Do not imitate the pros. It will not help your game and pace-of-play will suffer. 2. Technically, you have five minutes to look for and locate a lost ball. However, every round you play is not a tournament round. Take two minutes to look for your ball. If you can't find it, take the penalty stroke and drop and let the rest of us finish in under five hours. 3. To all women (especially Asian women), foursomes of elderly men playing a $2 nassau and men ages 27-34 who are generally insecure, financially stretched jerk offs who want to feel important; let the single or the twosome behind you play through. If you want to ruin someone's day, the women can yell at their husbands for ambiguous reasons, the elderly gentlemen can yell at their stockbroker, and the douche bag, wanna be YUP's can punish a direct report simply so they can feel powerful. 4. If it takes you more than 20 seconds to address and hit your ball, you need to consult a sports psychologist. 5. If I catch you reading the line from in front and behind the ball before putting, I'm going to strike you with my golf cart. The majority of golfers average about 41 putts per round and rarely get the speed or line correct much less both. 6. Save your big money matches for weekdays. Big money matches on the weekend just clogs the course's arteries. 7. If you call the pro shop and ask for a tee time around 10 and the employee gives you 10:08, don't ask if they have anything around 11. 8. You can't reach the green in two. Lay up. 9. If you are drunk, loud and obnoxious, I will start screaming, "Miss it!" from the fairway while you are trying to putt. 10. If you hit a bad shot or putt, don't try to deflect blame on a spike mark or a tuft of grass behind your ball. You're a hacker. You hit a shitty shot. Now move on to the next one and try to do better. 11. Don't bring your 6 and 9 year olds out to play until an hour before dusk. 12. The bunkers (they are not sand traps!) are not equipped with butler service. You have to rake them yourself. 13. Repairing ball marks on the green is not optional unless, of course, your goal is to kill the grass on all your green complexes. 14. Don't talk about what a great player you are while I watch you shank, top and skull your way to a 103. 15. You giving me unsolicited swing advice during a round makes me want to punch you in the face. 16. If you can't get the ball in the hole after 10 strokes, then it's just not meant to be. Pick up and move on. 17. The beverage cart girl is at least two decades younger than you. Don't spend 10 minutes hitting on her because you have a greater chance of being struck by a falling tree than having the opportunity to unsnap that bra. Give her an exorbitant tip and be glad you didn't do or say anything that would be cause for incarceration or expulsion from the club. 18. If you start talking to me about Jesus, I'm going to talk to you about Satan. More to come later...
SouthernLion Professional Champion
# 1 4/12/2013 10:18:51 AM
Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough. SL
NormanLangJr Professional Champion
# 2 4/12/2013 11:47:47 AM
As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional.
Vincedaddy Legend
# 3 4/12/2013 11:57:04 AM
As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional. Yes, true. However for recreational play, the committee(aka your group) can elect to play ob shots the same as a water hazard. That speeds things up.
Mark Simmons Legend
# 4 4/12/2013 11:58:21 AM
As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional. ...or depending on how many balls you lose--at least one provisional. Perhaps there should be an algorithm for time to look for your ball that is tied to the average number of balls you lose each round. Something like... 0-1 per round -> Take the full 5 minutes each 2-4 per round -> 3 minutes per round so we can all get home for dinner 5 or more -> Just hit the provisional, we all came to play golf, not hide-and-seek.
hickorystickman Professional Champion
# 5 4/12/2013 2:29:06 PM
I kinda agree with the first comment.............complaining like that would certainly ruin any round I would be trying to enjoy
bill321 Professional Champion
# 6 4/12/2013 2:41:09 PM
Great stuff. I look forward to more of your posts.
HOGAN418 Professional Champion
# 7 4/12/2013 5:18:07 PM
Please See "My Apologies, Mr. Slacker"..
Don Freeman Professional Champion
# 8 4/12/2013 6:34:07 PM
#2. I play weekly with some guys that I worked with for 25 years and we are all retired now. They just took up the game a couple of years ago. The best one of the bunch shoots 100 on a good day. It is frustrating for me because of the lack of golf ediqitte( or however the hell how you spell it). Anyway, one of the guys just seems to click with me. We talk and joke about everything EXCEPT for golf. I play great with him as a cart partner. His high scores don't seem to bother my game one bit. The other guys I could care less about. I will help them look or their balls only a couple of times, then after that they are on their own. I have told them that they have to watch their ball until it stops rolling, then landmark it. We play ready golf after that, and it isn't un-common for us to be standing on the green when these other guys are still hitting their approaches. That seems to be working a little bit. These other guys would piss off just about anybody, with their slow play, but not us. We especially love it when they break out their fishing gear, and haul in a few pinnacles and noodles. Or even better when they practice catch and release right in front of us. Heck, one guy even lost 21 balls in 1 round. Laughing too hard to be pissed off.
Vincedaddy Legend
# 9 4/12/2013 6:43:07 PM
19) The 90 degree rule or cart path only does not apply to me "guy". Played today after we had 1.5+ inchs of rain last night. The fairways were soggy with lots of casual water. A 5 some with three carts were zipping all over leaving tracks in the soft ground until someone tipped off the ranger and he had a little talk with them.
armygrunt47 Professional Champion
# 10 4/12/2013 10:00:08 PM
I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months.
fivefingers Professional Champion
# 11 4/12/2013 11:14:38 PM
I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months. Are you readying your putts for a night on the town. How many putts do you average per round? How old was the cart girl when you dated her?
fivefingers Professional Champion
# 12 4/12/2013 11:25:24 PM
Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough. SL Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor. Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur."
Pappy82nd Professional Champion
# 13 4/13/2013 12:27:11 AM
Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough. SL Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor. Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur." Would have enjoyed this post more had the subject not been broached a half dozen times the last year already. But you do have the right to post what you want, as you say we don't have to read it if we don't want to.
armygrunt47 Professional Champion
# 14 4/13/2013 6:12:43 AM
I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months. Are you readying your putts for a night on the town. How many putts do you average per round? How old was the cart girl when you dated her? I average 29 PPR ans she was 22 at the time when I was 23.
SouthernLion Professional Champion
# 15 4/13/2013 4:21:23 PM
Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough. SL Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor. Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur." I just think 18 is enough. On a few of these it seemed like a reach to try to find something humorous or amusing. Keep posting. I'll keep reading. I'll make comments when I feel they are necessary, because as you referenced, the 1st amendment applies to the reader as well as the writer. As far as your racists inferences go, the source of same reveals theor own character, I think. SL

Professional Champion

122 Views 20 Replies 2 Likes

1. Do not imitate the pros. It will not help your game and pace-of-play will suffer.
2. Technically, you have five minutes to look for and locate a lost ball. However, every round you play is not a tournament round. Take two minutes to look for your ball. If you can't find it, take the penalty stroke and drop and let the rest of us finish in under five hours.
3. To all women (especially Asian women), foursomes of elderly men playing a $2 nassau and men ages 27-34 who are generally insecure, financially stretched jerk offs who want to feel important; let the single or the twosome behind you play through. If you want to ruin someone's day, the women can yell at their husbands for ambiguous reasons, the elderly gentlemen can yell at their stockbroker, and the douche bag, wanna be YUP's can punish a direct report simply so they can feel powerful.
4. If it takes you more than 20 seconds to address and hit your ball, you need to consult a sports psychologist.
5. If I catch you reading the line from in front and behind the ball before putting, I'm going to strike you with my golf cart. The majority of golfers average about 41 putts per round and rarely get the speed or line correct much less both.
6. Save your big money matches for weekdays. Big money matches on the weekend just clogs the course's arteries.
7. If you call the pro shop and ask for a tee time around 10 and the employee gives you 10:08, don't ask if they have anything around 11.
8. You can't reach the green in two. Lay up.
9. If you are drunk, loud and obnoxious, I will start screaming, "Miss it!" from the fairway while you are trying to putt.
10. If you hit a bad shot or putt, don't try to deflect blame on a spike mark or a tuft of grass behind your ball. You're a hacker. You hit a shitty shot. Now move on to the next one and try to do better.
11. Don't bring your 6 and 9 year olds out to play until an hour before dusk.
12. The bunkers (they are not sand traps!) are not equipped with butler service. You have to rake them yourself.
13. Repairing ball marks on the green is not optional unless, of course, your goal is to kill the grass on all your green complexes.
14. Don't talk about what a great player you are while I watch you shank, top and skull your way to a 103.
15. You giving me unsolicited swing advice during a round makes me want to punch you in the face.
16. If you can't get the ball in the hole after 10 strokes, then it's just not meant to be. Pick up and move on.
17. The beverage cart girl is at least two decades younger than you. Don't spend 10 minutes hitting on her because you have a greater chance of being struck by a falling tree than having the opportunity to unsnap that bra. Give her an exorbitant tip and be glad you didn't do or say anything that would be cause for incarceration or expulsion from the club.
18. If you start talking to me about Jesus, I'm going to talk to you about Satan.

More to come later...

SouthernLion

Professional Champion

# 1 4/12/2013 10:18:51 AM

Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough.

SL

NormanLangJr

Professional Champion

# 2 4/12/2013 11:47:47 AM

As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional.

Vincedaddy

Legend

# 3 4/12/2013 11:57:04 AM

As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional.

Yes, true. However for recreational play, the committee(aka your group) can elect to play ob shots the same as a water hazard. That speeds things up.

Mark Simmons

Legend

# 4 4/12/2013 11:58:21 AM

As for #2, you actually have to go back to the spot where you played your shot. A lost ball is stroke and distance. If you think you're going to have to look for your ball...you should hit a provisional.

...or depending on how many balls you lose--at least one provisional.

Perhaps there should be an algorithm for time to look for your ball that is tied to the average number of balls you lose each round. Something like...
0-1 per round -> Take the full 5 minutes each
2-4 per round -> 3 minutes per round so we can all get home for dinner
5 or more -> Just hit the provisional, we all came to play golf, not hide-and-seek.

hickorystickman

Professional Champion

# 5 4/12/2013 2:29:06 PM

I kinda agree with the first comment.............complaining like that would certainly ruin any round I would be trying to enjoy

bill321

Professional Champion

# 6 4/12/2013 2:41:09 PM

Great stuff. I look forward to more of your posts.

HOGAN418

Professional Champion

# 7 4/12/2013 5:18:07 PM

Please See "My Apologies, Mr. Slacker"..

Don Freeman

Professional Champion

# 8 4/12/2013 6:34:07 PM

#2.
I play weekly with some guys that I worked with for 25 years and we are all retired now. They just took up the game a couple of years ago. The best one of the bunch shoots 100 on a good day. It is frustrating for me because of the lack of golf ediqitte( or however the hell how you spell it). Anyway, one of the guys just seems to click with me. We talk and joke about everything EXCEPT for golf. I play great with him as a cart partner. His high scores don't seem to bother my game one bit. The other guys I could care less about. I will help them look or their balls only a couple of times, then after that they are on their own. I have told them that they have to watch their ball until it stops rolling, then landmark it. We play ready golf after that, and it isn't un-common for us to be standing on the green when these other guys are still hitting their approaches. That seems to be working a little bit.
These other guys would piss off just about anybody, with their slow play, but not us.
We especially love it when they break out their fishing gear, and haul in a few pinnacles and noodles. Or even better when they practice catch and release right in front of us. Heck, one guy even lost 21 balls in 1 round.
Laughing too hard to be pissed off.

Vincedaddy

Legend

# 9 4/12/2013 6:43:07 PM

19) The 90 degree rule or cart path only does not apply to me "guy".

Played today after we had 1.5+ inchs of rain last night. The fairways were soggy with lots of casual water. A 5 some with three carts were zipping all over leaving tracks in the soft ground until someone tipped off the ranger and he had a little talk with them.

armygrunt47

Professional Champion

# 10 4/12/2013 10:00:08 PM

I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months.

fivefingers

Professional Champion

# 11 4/12/2013 11:14:38 PM

I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months.

Are you readying your putts for a night on the town. How many putts do you average per round? How old was the cart girl when you dated her?

fivefingers

Professional Champion

# 12 4/12/2013 11:25:24 PM

Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough.

SL

Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor.

Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur."

Pappy82nd

Professional Champion

# 13 4/13/2013 12:27:11 AM

Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough.

SL

Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor.

Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur."

Would have enjoyed this post more had the subject not been broached a half dozen times the last year already. But you do have the right to post what you want, as you say we don't have to read it if we don't want to.

armygrunt47

Professional Champion

# 14 4/13/2013 6:12:43 AM

I try to ready my putts from atleast two sides and even all four if it is a tricky one or very important. When I was single I would hit on the cart girls at a local course and even ended up dating one for about 6 months.

Are you readying your putts for a night on the town. How many putts do you average per round? How old was the cart girl when you dated her?

I average 29 PPR ans she was 22 at the time when I was 23.

SouthernLion

Professional Champion

# 15 4/13/2013 4:21:23 PM

Please- don't give us more later. That was quite enough.

SL

Did I hit a nerve? Are you a perennial perpetrator of the heinous acts mentioned? God bless the First Amendment. You know, if you don't like what I have to say there are options: 1. You don't have to read what I write. 2. You can develop a sense of humor.

Do the words Mashie & Niblick take you back to a time when the world was a better place, golf was reserved for the privileged few and your colored caddy said, "Yessa Sur!" and "Dat sho was a mighty fine shot sur."

I just think 18 is enough. On a few of these it seemed like a reach to try to find something humorous or amusing. Keep posting. I'll keep reading. I'll make comments when I feel they are necessary, because as you referenced, the 1st amendment applies to the reader as well as the writer.

As far as your racists inferences go, the source of same reveals theor own character, I think.

SL

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