Tom Takes Up Golf

 

 

 

My wife said to me â€"

 

                Tom, it’s about time that you learned golf, you know, golf â€" that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

 

                So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.  He said, sure, you’ve got balls haven’t you?  I said yes â€" sometimes on cold mornings they are kinda hard to find.  Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we’ll tee off.  What’s tee off? I asked.  He said, it’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

 

                Not for me, I said you can tee off there if you want, but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.  No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger. Yeah, I said, I’ve got one of those. 

 

                Well he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.  I asked, do you play golf sitting down?  I always thought you stood up and walked around.  You do he said, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.

 

                Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.  He said, you’ve got a bag, haven’t you?  Sure, I said.  He said your balls are in it aren’t they?  Of course I told him.  Well, he said, can’t you open your bag and take one out?  I said I suppose I could but damned if I was going to.  He asked if I had a zipper on my bag, I said no, I’m the old fashion type. 

 

                Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.  I said after 40 years, I should have some sort of idea.  He said, take your club in both hands â€" folks, I knew then and there he didn’t know what he was talking about. Then he said, you swing it over your left shoulder.  No, no, that’s not me.  That’s your brother you’re thinking of.  He asked me how I held my club and before I could think I said “in two fingers”.  He said that’s not right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.  He couldn’t catch me there; I didn’t put five years in the Marines for nothing.

 

                He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.  I said I could well imagine.  Then he said, when you’re on the green â€" what’s the green I asked.  That’s where the hole is, he said.  Sure you’re not color blind I asked?  No.  Then you take your putter â€" what’s a putter I asked.  That’s the smallest club made, he said.  I said, that’s what I’ve got, a putter.

 

                And with it he said you put your ball in the hole.  I corrected, you mean your putter.  He said, no, the ball; the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.  Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.  Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on the next 17.

 

                He wasn’t talking to me.  After 2 holes, I’m shot to hell.  You mean you can’t make 18 holes in one day?  Hell no, I said, it takes me 18 days to make one hole.  Besides how will I know when I get to the 18th hole?  He said, a flag will go up.

 

                That would be just my luck, I said.